life (no love) in the time of corona

Happy Quarantine, dear family and dear friends!

I am writing to you from the same place as always – my couch in Hollywood, California. Because as hard as it may be to believe, my life in Quarantine isn’t all that different from my normal Actual Life. Trust me, I am aware you don’t *actually* give a flying f***. But I intend to resurrect this blog once every five to 10 years, and Quarantine is the quintessential dumbf*** time to talk to you about how my Hollywood career is going.

Thank you so much for asking. The answer, and totally honest answer, is, well, it’s not. It’s not going. Up. Down. All around. But before my mother HARANGUES me for being “negative” (and that is a direct quote!), I would like to address the obvious elephant in the room. It’s not going for ANYONE. Okay? Hollywood has SHUT. DOWN. Let me repeat myself. Hollywood is DONE.

The other day I had to take a great long look at myself in the mirror because I was plucking my eyebrows, and unfortunately I chose to do it whilst under the influence of an edible cookie. Edible cookie is not redundant here; edible cookie simply means a cookie with (legal!) marijuana in it. I think I plucked two eyebrow hairs before I got lightheaded, gave up and just looked at myself instead, directly into my own eyes.

I didn’t really do that. I am not a psychopath; although, some friends of mine have described me in the past as a “low-key psychopath” which I firmly believe just means that I have a hidden aggressive nature that only reveals itself under two circumstances: 1) driving in Los Angeles, and 2) when I feel as though someone has wronged me, but instead of killing them (okay, maybe I’m secretly Villanelle?), I ruin a surprise party for them. This did happen in 2019. There were witnesses. Last year, I ruined a surprise party for an old boss of mine. While in the moment the party-ruining was truly an accident, later on it became apparent that doing so was my motive all along. In my subconscious. (“Low-key psychopath” or just psychopath?) My waiter colleagues were astonished that this “low-key” psychopathic burst of energy came from ME, an endearing and often-called “sweet” waitress who only aims to please (at this point may I direct you to any other post in this blog for reference).

Okay, so let’s ignore the psychopathic rant that just occurred, and delve into the main issue that arose this week: a girl from my high school tagged ME, a failing LA cliché, in a heartfelt Facebook post instead of her cousin, the actual nurse saving lives named Olivia. What did I do in reaction to this? I tweeted about it, naturally. (@olivdislife if u dare…this applies to everyone but family)

Four hours later it was 11:00 pm LA time and 1:00 am Chicago time, and this girl STILL had not realized she tagged an Olivia (aka ME) whose Facebook cover photo is a vague background shot from BRIDGET JONES’S BABY (the wedding scene at the end) with a Snapchat-drawn red circle around her vague screen presence (me as an extra) with the caption “#tbt ~netflix debut~”.

Now I realize this girl from my high school may have wanted to appease the newsfeeds of her family and friends by keeping a star in their midst; however, it was truly mind-blowing to wake up the next morning to still see my profile hovering in the post. In the picture posted, this Olivia had on an N95 (my mask is a scarf with Scottie dogs on it) and was even holding a NEEDLE. I never get my blood drawn let alone go anywhere NEAR a needle, and also my left eyebrow is thicker than both of hers combined. To what END could I see this wrong righted?? After a full 12 hours, no one had commented on the tagging misfortune, including the beloved, life-saving nurse Olivia herself! I also woke up to my tweet having done QUITE well overnight with six likes and absolutely zero retweets.

Look, you gotta start somewhere, and I suppose this girl’s post would have been excellent exposure to my Facebook page where I have one fairly recent Olivia Jade parody video and over 1200 photos of me at fraternity parties circa 2011-2014. But I said to myself, I said, “NO! You will NOT take advantage of Corona like this and use this poor nurse’s goodwill for self-promotion! You WILL NOT!”

I finally sucked it up (and in – have to impress for a high school reunion scheduled one year seven months EARLY), and I messaged Ariana G*.  Our convo went much like this:

Me: Hey Ariana! LOL you tagged me in the post about your cousin by mistake LOL! Hope you’re doing well and are safe!! XXX

Ariana: Omg, GIRL, thank you for telling me! I switched it! Hope you’re doing well out in CA! ❤ 

Me: LOL YES I’M FINE OUT IN CA THNX FOR THE TALK XXXXXOOOOOO

And THAT is how a *single* girl quarantined alone “out in CA” converses with a girl who is now married with five kids at the age of 26 in the Midwest.

I truly have no idea if Ariana has children, but I digress.

~

Wow. I am SO glad I got that off my chest.

I know I haven’t written on this blog in many months to well over a year and a half maybe even two, but I will tell you that the GIST of my life over the last year can be summarized in a few tweets I have laid out for you here in a new segment I like to call “Here are some hand-picked PG-rated tweets I’d like to share with you, my dear readers.”

Also, I’d like to add – I’m living vicariously through you right now because some of these experiences I have completely blocked out of my mind. And for good reason. 🙂

All of the following are tweets written by me and only me: 

1. Today my trader joe’s cashier asked me what my secret was and i was like what secret? and he said secret to being in a good mood and I LOLED. Oh how i love a man on duty w a sense of humor. (TRUE STORY)
2. This guy asked me to drinks this weekend ?? i said no cuz quarantine ?? and no cuz i don’t want to !! his response was “good luck” good luck buying eggs or getting my first boyfriend before i die ?? (TRUE STORY)
3. My eyebrows get me 40% tips my personality gets me absolutely f****** nothing. (Debatable)
4. I asked my google home mini if he was my boyfriend and he improvised a love poem it’s official I’ve found love in 2020. (Debatable)
5. I went to USC for football, NOT my education and now I have NOTHING. (Debatable??)
6. The IRL girl w the dragon tattoo tipped me less than 10% two days in a row so i’m boycotting all of her movies which i never saw anyway. (TRUE STORY)
7. Truth is some fifth graders are getting the iPhone 11 for graduating fifth grade next year n I’m not 😦 
8. My brand is not having a boyfriend so the minute i finally get one i will have to make the age old decision between career and starting a family!!!!! 
9. Three degrees & a year of therapy later, I’ve finally been accepted into the Brentwood Parents group text !!! (NOTE: Brentwood is a prestigious neighborhood in Los Angeles. This was a pivotal moment in my life.)
10. Five years later i find myself alone in a corner at a party w french people AGAIN (ugh TRUE STORY)
11. Having stress dreams about stress eating my way out of Whole30 (TRUE STORY I did not drink for two months a month ago, and if you know me, you really know me, you know how big of a hurdle this was, a truly very difficult time for me.)
12. Karma is for everyone, even the boys (Debatable) 
13. Every day is a blessing until the Time Warner Spectrum Cable guy sees u naked in ur apartment 🙂 (TRUE STORY ugh again)
14. I hope the person who stole my phone loves getting BIRTHDAY voicemails u sick f***!!!!!!! (TRUE STORY)
15. I hiked Runyon with a stranger today bcuz life is short ok and also im nice apparently???? serious news to me!! (TRUE STORY)
16. Someone in my improv class thought I was married TALK ABOUT COMEDY (TRUE STORY)
17. Did NOT meet my future husband at a law school graduation today (Debatable? Who knows really.) 
18. PLOT TWIST: i got high w my parents on 4/20 (TRUE STORY, SORRY J&D)
19. New York’s hottest club is actually in LA and it’s called My Upstairs Neighbor Singing In The Shower Featuring Deep House (TRUE STORY: I hate my upstairs neighbor and have for some time.)
20. My seven year old baby (laptop) had a stroke (I spilled water on it) plz send prayers (or else I will kill ur family)!!!! (“Low-key psychopath”, noted)
21. Burned skin off the tip of my nose while curling my hair this is the kind of shit i am leaving behind in 2018 ok!!!! (TRUE STORY #tbt to 2019)

Again, I have to reiterate that all of these are tidbits of truth and reality. Yes, even the one about my three degrees. Technically, I am in the process of getting my third right now during Quarantine. That’s right, I am officially a Yale student now (online only)**. Which is so funny because I applied to Yale and was promptly rejected back in 2011! But, hey, during Quarantine, anything is possible, BUT you have to put in the time and effort, you CANNOT “nap” every hour of every day and go skinny dipping after six white claws if you want to be a Yale online grad. I’m sorry, those are the rules. I did in fact make them up.

This has been utterly LOVELY. So happy to be back on my LA cliché bullsh** once again!!

I will TRY to post more often during Quarantine bcuz HEY what the f*** ELSE are you reading???????

I must add, in case someone takes it upon themselves to take me seriously, I do not believe Hollywood is dead. Excuse me, done. It is still very much alive, and I plan on taking over one day as CEO.

 

Peace & luv in Quar <3,

#LAcliché ouuuuuuuuuuuuuuut.

 

*name has been changed (YES, Ariana Grande and I ARE the same age. She is actually a month and two days older than I am, I just Googled it, and I think I might treat myself to a white claw later (or two) now that I know this information.)

**Free Ivy League classes: https://www.freecodecamp.org/news/ivy-league-free-online-courses-a0d7ae675869/